Don't worry, it's marked for you...

I got my absentee ballot in the mail the other day and, before I send it back, I thought I would share it with you. Why you ask? Because it is completely stupid. I mean seriously, could a ballot possibly be more skewed or geared toward the mentally inept that shouldn't be voting in the first place?

Just to be clear, this is not a political post; this is simply calling out some serious foul play - we are talking Lindsey Lohan crotch foul here. I don't care what your political affiliation, you don't deserve to be Lohan crotched. Period.

Take a look at the ballot and you will quickly notice that the Obama and Romney ticket are listed twice. Twice! No other candidate is listed twice, why do these two get double booking? Foul one.

Next, take a look at the labeling - they are no longer just Democrat, Republican, etc., they now have secondary listings of Conservative and Working Families. WTF?! Why do these two get the additional labels and who decided who gets which one? This is clearly trying to influence the vote by labeling candidates for uninformed voters. Foul two.

Next, why the hell did they add cartoons to the ballots (this time I mean actual cartoons and not the candidates for once)? I guess to add insult to injury, they decide to give the democrat ticket a big black star indication "this is the correct choice". Combine that with the "working families" label and I fail to see how anyone would choose any other option; after all, we are all working families and we all like selecting the correct answer.  Cartoons don't belong in elections. Foul three.

Have a look:

No matter who you are for this should bother you (especially if you are for one of the candidates that are only listed once). To me, the biggest issue is that the election is no longer about values, goals or informed opinion, it is about manipulating the vote of those that are most the most desperate, in the most need and will be hurt the most by the potential outcome. Four four - Lohan Foul!

I don't care who you vote for, just vote your heart. If you know nothing about the candidates, learn something before you vote. Don't sacrifice your livelihood by voting for quips, common terms you associate with or cartoons; vote your reality.

(FYI - a democrat created this ballot; not judging, just saying. OK, I am judging a bit.)

LTE - Less Than Enthused

As an iPhone user I have been anxiously anticipating the day that I could partake in the greatness that is 4g, nay, LTE. For years I have been limited to 3G at best, Edge more often, by two critical factors: AT&T is as cutting edge as the cotton gin and Apple doesn't let users think independently or have the latest anything (thank god they at least have great, albeit behind the curve, hardware). 

At last, the day came, like a thief in the night finally, heavily delayed behind every other manufacturer, where the iPhone5 received the technology update that would enable 4G and LTE. Side rant: I am a huge Apple fan, I really am, but the fact that I should have had this capability on my iPhone 3, 4 and 4S but had to wait until 5 just pisses me off. End rant. Now that I have it, I am ready to enjoy it. Finally. Seriously; Finally. 

Ready! Set! What the #?@%! 

Maybe my expectations were too high; maybe the anticipation had skewed my perspective; maybe I misunderstood that more G's was supposed to be better; maybe I underestimated AT&T's suckiness (winner, winner, chicken dinner!); whatever the issue, this sucks more than a three dollar hooker at a frat house. I am downloading at the speed of smell. Really, this is prehistoric Flinstone's speed. I can actually here the hamster slowly dying on the wheel.

How slow? 1990's pre-DSL slow. Don't believe me? You are one of those people that say, "even AT&T can't be that bad" (does such people really exist?)? Well, just for you, blind wonderer, I have attached a screen-print of not 1, 2,  or 3, but 4, yes 4, speed tests.  Take a look:

Bam! There it is! LTE - Lower Than Edge. 

So how do I feel about my new iPhone5? It has superior build quality and hardware but the software in IOS6 is terrible (topic of another post). The camera, which is supposed to be a vast improvement, actually irritates the shit out of me (again, another post). Other than that, it seems to freeze and be a lot slower than I would expect (yep, another post). Honestly, I will probably drop back to my 4 - even with the bust home button.

How do I feel about AT&T? Umm... they suck! I mean that in every sense of the word. The service is HORRIBLE. The prices are HORRIBLE. The network is HORRIBLE! The only advantage they have over Verizon or Sprint is that you can use voice and data simultaneously (which is useless when the speeds are so slow that it doesn't work anyway).

As an existing AT&T customer for the past 5 years +/-, who has had every iPhone produced, I recommend the following:

• The iPhone4 or 4S for anyone who wants a high quality phone with superior build quality (and is willing to pay a premium for it), the droid for everyone else
• AT&T for absolutely no one - literally, not a single person. I don't care if you get a 75% discount through your job, the service is just not worth it
• Verizon for those who want best coverage and network, just keep in mind the whole data/voice issue
• Sprint for those who want an OK network but GREAT customer service
• T-Mobile - eh, they are just waiting to be bought out

So if you are an iPhone owner, or plan to be, and are combining that with AT&T's service, you are in for a great disappointment. Hopefully I have reached you before it is too late and you are locked into a contract with the devil-beast of a company; if not, grab a shot or five, grab a chair and join me in drinking to cellphone sorrows.

~Mr. Joseph

9 Words Women Use (and Men Need to Know)

Every now and then you get one of the tedious and stupid forwards that were actually worth reading. Below is one of such forwards and I felt obliged to include it here. Guys, pay close attention to these as no truer words have ever been spoken… and let’s face it… man may rule the world but woman rules man.

1) Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3) Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4) Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5) Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6) That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) Thanks
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

8 ) Whatever
Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

9) Don’t worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This
will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Stupid for Dummies

Ladies and gentlemen here it is, you’re unofficial, official guide on stupid for the everyday imbecile. If you are the type of person that doesn’t turn off the mower before trying to clear the obstruction, this is for you. Remember, stupid isn’t illegal, but it should be!

I have heard it said many times, “people aren’t stupid, they’re actions are stupid”; really? Who is the drooling, mindless weenie that came up with this moronic premise? The reality of it is people are stupid; completely, utterly and purely stupid.

Let’s not sugarcoat it; there are people out there that are fortunate to have made it to a viable adult state. They have unpaid debts that they have no intention of paying, may dabble in drugs and behavior that puts their life (or genitals) at risk, are completely oblivious of reality and their surroundings, and act honestly surprised when they do they same stupid thing that they, and their stupid peers, have done at least a dozen to a million times before and get the same damn result. Let me elaborate for you right-brained people.

Everyday people complain about how bad traffic is in the morning when they head to work, but yet they and their follow brain dead brethren still choose daily to leave their houses at the same damn time. Do they leave 20 minutes earlier? No. Do they leave 30 minutes later? No. They leave at the same damn time. The best part? In the afternoon they do the same thing all over again, just in the other direction. That’s like complaining that it’s cold in NY in the winter and hot in AZ in the summer; duh.

So now that we have established that the entire planet is either stupid, or at risk for stupid, here are some tips to help you survive.

1. When you go to meet a 13 year-old girl that you met online it will never end well. News flash perv, IT’S A TRAP. Teen girls aren’t online looking to make sexy time with you, it just doesn’t happen. I mean really, ew. Avoid the arrest and the TV appearance on nightline and just don’t do it.

2. If you are going to rob a place for some quick loot, be sure to avoid writing the ransom note on the back of your car registration and leaving it at the scene of the crime. However, if you do happen find yourself in this situation, help yourself and don’t make matters worse. When you get pulled over by the police, and you will, do not have your robbery plan written as a “to-do” item on a post-it note and stuck to your dash.

3. Don’t put the python in the baby’s room; enough said.

4. When the waiter tells you the plate is hot, take their word for it. There is really no reason to test that one.

5. When the road is flooded, don’t drive through it. Every year hundreds of people get stranded in their cars after trying to drive through a flooded road. If cars were meant to drive through water they would have been called boats. Tip: Having to be rescued by a man in an orange rescue suit dangling from a helicopter is like you taking out a televised advertisement that says, “I’m a dumb ass!”

Enough with the stupidity already. The hotdog street vendor doesn’t wash his hands after shaking drool out of the man snake anymore than you do, so stop thinking he does. Wise up and leave the stupidity to the experts, the dipsticks in Washington D.C.

~Mr. Joseph

Welfare, the National Debt and Pork

I am going to single handedly solve our nations deficit problem. This is a very radical and revolutionary approach that defies the very nature of the government as we know it today. It may be a bit on the edge but I believe it is still possible and that the people will support me in this cause. What is this ingenious idea? Simple, STOP SPENDING MONEY YOU DON’T HAVE TO SPEND!

I know, I know, it is an extreme notion, but it is possible. Despite the windbags on capital hill and in the oval office swearing we need to spend more, we really need to spend less. They will tell you in all of their Ivy League school speech that there is no way to spend less and that in reality we need to spend more; they’re wrong.

Pay attention Mr. Politician, I am going to help you save a fortune. Here are 3 easy steps to getting more fiscally sound:

1. Actually reform welfare. Whoa, what a thought! Instead of having people “breeding for benefits” and sucking down my tax dollars like an Irishman slamming pints on penny beer night, try actually capping the damn well. How you ask (and I know you are asking since you have failed to figure it out since it was conceived in the 1930’s)? Simple, Mr. Politician; follow these 3 easy steps to eradicate welfare as we know it today:

1. Limit welfare to 2 years and to a once in a lifetime benefit

2. Require welfare recipients to attend and graduate with a 2-year degree from a community college or other accredited institution (tuition covered by welfare as long as recipients maintain passing grades). Educating them is the first step in helping them up on their own and off of our tax dollars. Offer a 6 month extension for those that need to first get a GED, but they must get the GED in that first 6 month period.

3. Offer sliding scale daycare to all graduates and require them to maintain fulltime employment. Why should those of us that are responsible and work pay for those too lazy to get a job? Make them work fulltime and contribute to their own well being.

These actions will actually make people responsible for their own lives and survival. Welfare should be a one time help up and nothing more. Cost savings: $300 Billion a year. That should put a dent into that naughty deficit of ours.

2. Reduce the size of government, a lot. We are so bloated with people watching people, overseeing people, managing people, supervising the one person actually working that you could effectively cut the size of government by as much as 15% and not make any impact into its productivity. Hell, one arm of the government already doesn’t know what the other is doing with all this bloat anyway; the least they could do is reduce the size and charge us less for this chaos. Between salaries, benefits and pensions, depending on what cuts are made, the savings again are well into the billions.

3. Stop raping the American public pork barrel style. I am going to go out on a limb and say that less than 10% of Americans even know what pork barrel spending is you wily politician you, but the jig is up. With us drowning in debt we are now watching what you are doing and we are not happy with the results. Why are you putting us on the hook for $150,000 to renovate a Brooklyn theater or $1,200,000 for museum research in NY? Are you kidding me?

For those that don’t’ know a pork project is a line-item in an appropriations bill that designates tax dollars for a specific purpose in circumvention of established budgetary procedures. In other words, it is snuck into other bills like military spending, tax cuts or education without every being voted on or without you every knowing. Every recall hearing the government announce as part of their proud boasting moment of passing a bill that they slid in and included 9,129 pork projects totalling $16.5 billion? Yeah, me either.

This barely scratches the surface of what needs to be done to stabilize our nations money haemorrhage but it is a start. It has taken a lot of politicians a lot of time to screw our country’s finances up; it will take time to fix.

As always, thanks for reading. Remember… you may disagree, but you’d be wrong.

~Mr. Joseph

Mr. Joseph, Profile and Exposed

OK, if you are reading this you either don’t know me, want to get to know me, already know me and are stalking me or are just that damn bored; either way, welcome!

As you see from my About Me section, I can be a bit of a dick. This is not really an “on purpose” thing as much as it is an “in my DNA” thing. Majority of the time my intentions are good, but my actions scream D-I-C-K. Understanding this is very important while reading through this blog because you will face certain anger and frustration (possible sadness inside) if you don’t. I call it like it is and say it like it needs to be said. If you want sugar coating, go to a bakery; here, you get it raw and direct.

Once you get past the rough, somewhat unpolished, outside, you will find a diamond in the middle (or so I have been told). The problem is that I am a miscellany of a good heart and self gratification. That essentially means that I am willing to do about anything for anyone, and I do generally care about people, but when push comes to shove, I want what I want and I will get it. I am not sure if that is the Water Ox or the Capricorn in me, but it is what it is, like it or not.

I will always be honest and tell you how it is whether I should or not… unfortunately, the truth is so direct at times that people generally don’t believe or accept it. I would love to have a career in politics just so I could slap those knuckleheads in congress around and remind them that they work for the people, not the other way around. I sincerely believe I would make a difference for the average American, but I am honest and that is just not a trait welcome in Washington DC.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life (frankly, anyone who hasn’t should question whether they have really lived), but I have learned from them all. I may not have always been a good boyfriend, husband, father or human being, but those experiences have shaped me into who I am today. I am thankful for my experiences, good and bad, and glad I have had a diverse set of challenges in my life to help shape me into the well-rounded person I am today… still a dick, but at least a well rounded dick.

Hopefully you will enjoy your visit and find something of merit in these posts. I must put a few disclaimers on anything I write just so we are all clear on the ground rules:

1. You are free to post your opinion but don’t expect me to change my view. I am right and you are wrong, it is that simple.

2. If you get offended, get over it. If you are that upset about anything that I write than you are probably in need of some immediate and intense psychotherapy.

3. You call comment that I am a dick, or whatever term of endearment that you chose, but I have already disclosed that, so that really just means that you are a dumb ass too stupid to post; however, I support the handicap here and will allow all comments (except spam).

4. If you are a disgruntled female here to share your anger, you are on the wrong blog. I have another one setup just for you and just for that purpose. Head over there (just Google yourself, you’ll find it), find your number and story, and post your rabid rant there. *Feel free to add a more recent photo of yourself, or at least one with clothes. ;)

5. There are other rules, but they are all in my head and I think it would be a lot more fun for you to try and guess than me just telling you.

There is more to me and you will discover it all through out this blog. For now, I will simply say once again, welcome!

~Mr. Joseph

Welcome

Every single day something happens where I say, "I really should blog that"; but alas, I never do. Well, I am tired of saying that and depriving the world of the satirical entertainment that is my life. It will become my mission to share every story, complaint, wacky event or delicious goodness that is Twinkies with you, my dedicated readers.

Before I can tell a story about anything you will need to know a few things about me. Take everything I say here at face value as there are no hidden meanings or embellishments, this really is me exposed (in the open way, not the wanker swinging sort of way). If you don't like what you read here... well, I don't care; keep reading anyway.

Read on to the first post - "Mr. Joseph, Profiled and Exposed" - It is well worth the read and will start your journey into my life...