Sunday, January 2, 2011

9 Words Women Use (and Men Need to Know)

Every now and then you get one of the tedious and stupid forwards that were actually worth reading. Below is one of such forwards and I felt obliged to include it here. Guys, pay close attention to these as no truer words have ever been spoken… and let’s face it… man may rule the world but woman rules man.

1) Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3) Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4) Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5) Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6) That’s Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) Thanks
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

8 ) Whatever
Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

9) Don’t worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This
will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Stupid for Dummies

Ladies and gentlemen here it is, you’re unofficial, official guide on stupid for the everyday imbecile. If you are the type of person that doesn’t turn off the mower before trying to clear the obstruction, this is for you. Remember, stupid isn’t illegal, but it should be!

I have heard it said many times, “people aren’t stupid, they’re actions are stupid”; really? Who is the drooling, mindless weenie that came up with this moronic premise? The reality of it is people are stupid; completely, utterly and purely stupid.

Let’s not sugarcoat it; there are people out there that are fortunate to have made it to a viable adult state. They have unpaid debts that they have no intention of paying, may dabble in drugs and behavior that puts their life (or genitals) at risk, are completely oblivious of reality and their surroundings, and act honestly surprised when they do they same stupid thing that they, and their stupid peers, have done at least a dozen to a million times before and get the same damn result. Let me elaborate for you right-brained people.

Everyday people complain about how bad traffic is in the morning when they head to work, but yet they and their follow brain dead brethren still choose daily to leave their houses at the same damn time. Do they leave 20 minutes earlier? No. Do they leave 30 minutes later? No. They leave at the same damn time. The best part? In the afternoon they do the same thing all over again, just in the other direction. That’s like complaining that it’s cold in NY in the winter and hot in AZ in the summer; duh.

So now that we have established that the entire planet is either stupid, or at risk for stupid, here are some tips to help you survive.

1. When you go to meet a 13 year-old girl that you met online it will never end well. News flash perv, IT’S A TRAP. Teen girls aren’t online looking to make sexy time with you, it just doesn’t happen. I mean really, ew. Avoid the arrest and the TV appearance on nightline and just don’t do it.

2. If you are going to rob a place for some quick loot, be sure to avoid writing the ransom note on the back of your car registration and leaving it at the scene of the crime. However, if you do happen find yourself in this situation, help yourself and don’t make matters worse. When you get pulled over by the police, and you will, do not have your robbery plan written as a “to-do” item on a post-it note and stuck to your dash.

3. Don’t put the python in the baby’s room; enough said.

4. When the waiter tells you the plate is hot, take their word for it. There is really no reason to test that one.

5. When the road is flooded, don’t drive through it. Every year hundreds of people get stranded in their cars after trying to drive through a flooded road. If cars were meant to drive through water they would have been called boats. Tip: Having to be rescued by a man in an orange rescue suit dangling from a helicopter is like you taking out a televised advertisement that says, “I’m a dumb ass!”
Enough with the stupidity already. The hotdog street vendor doesn’t wash his hands after shaking drool out of the man snake anymore than you do, so stop thinking he does. Wise up and leave the stupidity to the experts, the dipsticks in Washington D.C.

~Mr. Joseph