LTE - Less Than Enthused

As an iPhone user I have been anxiously anticipating the day that I could partake in the greatness that is 4g, nay, LTE. For years I have been limited to 3G at best, Edge more often, by two critical factors: AT&T is as cutting edge as the cotton gin and Apple doesn't let users think independently or have the latest anything (thank god they at least have great, albeit behind the curve, hardware). 

At last, the day came, like a thief in the night finally, heavily delayed behind every other manufacturer, where the iPhone5 received the technology update that would enable 4G and LTE. Side rant: I am a huge Apple fan, I really am, but the fact that I should have had this capability on my iPhone 3, 4 and 4S but had to wait until 5 just pisses me off. End rant. Now that I have it, I am ready to enjoy it. Finally. Seriously; Finally. 

Ready! Set! What the #?@%! 

Maybe my expectations were too high; maybe the anticipation had skewed my perspective; maybe I misunderstood that more G's was supposed to be better; maybe I underestimated AT&T's suckiness (winner, winner, chicken dinner!); whatever the issue, this sucks more than a three dollar hooker at a frat house. I am downloading at the speed of smell. Really, this is prehistoric Flinstone's speed. I can actually here the hamster slowly dying on the wheel.

How slow? 1990's pre-DSL slow. Don't believe me? You are one of those people that say, "even AT&T can't be that bad" (does such people really exist?)? Well, just for you, blind wonderer, I have attached a screen-print of not 1, 2,  or 3, but 4, yes 4, speed tests.  Take a look:

Bam! There it is! LTE - Lower Than Edge. 

So how do I feel about my new iPhone5? It has superior build quality and hardware but the software in IOS6 is terrible (topic of another post). The camera, which is supposed to be a vast improvement, actually irritates the shit out of me (again, another post). Other than that, it seems to freeze and be a lot slower than I would expect (yep, another post). Honestly, I will probably drop back to my 4 - even with the bust home button.

How do I feel about AT&T? Umm... they suck! I mean that in every sense of the word. The service is HORRIBLE. The prices are HORRIBLE. The network is HORRIBLE! The only advantage they have over Verizon or Sprint is that you can use voice and data simultaneously (which is useless when the speeds are so slow that it doesn't work anyway).

As an existing AT&T customer for the past 5 years +/-, who has had every iPhone produced, I recommend the following:

• The iPhone4 or 4S for anyone who wants a high quality phone with superior build quality (and is willing to pay a premium for it), the droid for everyone else
• AT&T for absolutely no one - literally, not a single person. I don't care if you get a 75% discount through your job, the service is just not worth it
• Verizon for those who want best coverage and network, just keep in mind the whole data/voice issue
• Sprint for those who want an OK network but GREAT customer service
• T-Mobile - eh, they are just waiting to be bought out

So if you are an iPhone owner, or plan to be, and are combining that with AT&T's service, you are in for a great disappointment. Hopefully I have reached you before it is too late and you are locked into a contract with the devil-beast of a company; if not, grab a shot or five, grab a chair and join me in drinking to cellphone sorrows.

~Mr. Joseph